October 6, 2016 9:23 pm

Winter is coming! – Sports News

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As we all know, the Trans-sewage Winter Tournament will be held–what a surprise!–again in Ratlantic City. Due to the recent conflicts with the snails, this year the events will take place under more extreme circumstances between the sporty contestants. Albeit the zones are full of dangers by themselves, the athletes have no fear of the upcoming struggles. The following sports events will be held:

– Indoors archery with moving targets on Dump Island, near Drain Falls. There’s no reason to be afraid, though, the targets are not the locals this time (for a change!), but the insurgent snails. Among the contenders are the multiple victor Catnip Alwaysnear and her challengers, Lobin Dude and Steven Twintail. John Ratbo is still recovering from his injury from last year, but when asked in an interview in the hospital he still said: “Die for nothing, or live for something!”

– Skating in the Docks; in case the water forgets to freeze again (Not that it ever happened! — the editor), the contestants will perform their aptitude in drowning with skates on.

– Ski jumping from the heights of Drain Falls. Our only contender this year should be Ed Dee the Falcon, as always, but just before deadline we got a hint that his majesty Hector LeBlanc has his own volunteering participant who will fight bravely against Ed Dee for the privilege to spend 9 months in a hospital. You wouldn’t hope to guess the identity of this brave rat, but we can tell you this: he’s a member of the Mogax clan. We hereby thank again our great benefactor, Hector LeBlanc for providing the location.

– Ski running imitation in Ratcatraz, provided the inmates don’t sabotage the soap supplies as they did last year…

The host of the event will be the most popular Caesar Liqueurrat, who–among some rats–has attained the title of pompous clown recently, which is no wonder taking his apparel and his smile resembling one of a run-over cat’s.

Important notice! Using open flame for those who want to consume beans during the events is strictly forbidden! Ratlantic City crime scene investigators still haven’t finished with identifying all the victims of last year’s fireworks, commonly known since as “the Napalm strike”.